Today Sydney started a new daycare, Abby rolled over,
Jamie started going to work, at what I consider the crack of dawn, and I
confirmed for myself that I was happy.
Not just a little happy, but a lot happy.
I realized I was happy when I was buying bananas at
the Superstore. Yes, strange place to have
a moment of enlightenment, but I’ll take it where I can get it. I wasn’t particularly happy that I only had
20 minutes to do a week’s worth of grocery shopping or that I had a million
things to do today or that I hadn’t been doing any type of exercise for at
least two weeks, but when I grabbed those bananas I thought to myself, “I have
a great life.” Then, I laughed out loud because the mundane activity of buying
a bunch of bananas somehow triggered self-actualization. Maslow would be proud.
I’ve been searching for a long time for happiness. I didn’t really know I was searching for it, I
just knew that I wasn’t happy. Not even
unhappy, but more lacking a sense of peace. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy.
I smile, I laugh, I tell jokes (which are terrible – ask my husband),
but I’ve always had this unexplained uneasiness which has left me in a perpetual
state of unrest. I’ve felt several times
in my life that I have missed opportunities, been in the wrong place at the
wrong time, or just plain ole felt left out. Well, somehow today, this feeling
came over me at the superstore that I was happy. And, as funny as this sounds,
I was happy because I realized there really wasn’t anything to be unhappy
about.
I’ve spent a lot of time measuring my success
against the success of others whether it was in my family life, my profession
or appearance. And, although this
realization has played itself out to me several times in the last few months,
it was today that I recognized that I didn’t need to compare, I just needed to
appreciate.
When I think of my family, I just well up. My
family and my husband’s family are just lovely.
My parents help our family so much, and just knowing that I have their support
brings me a lot of happiness every day. I also feel that I have won the in-law
jackpot. My in-laws are normal, which,
from talking to friends, is sometimes a quality that is difficult to come by in
the area of in-laws. Jamie’s sister and
brother and their families are equally as lovely, and I’m so glad that they
have accepted me and all of my quirks.
That in itself deserves a lot of appreciation.
I appreciate that I can go into the Superstore and
buy 3 bananas or 100 bananas. What I would
do with 100 bananas, I don’t know, but what I do know is that when I need to
buy groceries, I just buy groceries. Yes,
I don’t get to buy a 30 foot boat, or a new Mercedes, but I get the privilege
to go to the Superstore, buy my groceries, use my debit card and not think
twice. I was lucky enough to be able to
attend university, train for a job I love and work in a field that allows me to
live a comfortable middle class life. I’m
not getting rich, but my life isn’t hard.
I am a teacher with a job. I also have a husband who is a teacher, who
has a job. I feel like I should be lighting a candle for that one. That’s hard to come by these days and my
heart goes out to all of the substitute teachers who are trying for their turn
at the brass teaching ring. This year
has been a telling year for me, as many new jobs have been available in our
school district. Being on maternity
leave, I’ve missed out on several opportunities. Normally, internally I would be fit to be
tied that my colleagues and friends were getting opportunities and I wasn’t,
but this year, I have been anything but.
I have been genuinely, honestly and truly happy for all of my colleagues
who have been asked to serve in different positions. I know I’m a good teacher, with strong
merits. Someday I will be asked to use
my talents in a different capacity, but until then – I’m good. I am sometimes at my happiest in my classroom
with my students, and I need to be thankful for that. Not everyone can say they love their
job. As hard as it is, I honestly do
love being a teacher.
I could not complete this post without mentioning my
wonderful neighbourhood. I have amazing
neighbours who have wonderful children.
I feel like I might live on the best street in the world. I smile every time I drive down my street
because my children have friends to play with, and I have other adults right
next door who are my new found friends.
We invite each other into our homes for meals, we love to play baseball,
road hockey and soccer with the kids in our front yard, and we really love to
hang out by the bbq and have a few beer.
So simple, yet so wonderful.
I could go on about all of the little things that
my friends have done for me, that have, in all honesty, brought me to tears in
the last few months because I am just so darn thankful. I could also go on about the three very special people that live at my house with me. I can’t even begin to describe how thankful I
am for them.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There is stuff that, for lack of a better
term, sucks, but the good stuff far outweighs the bad. And, if there is a day (or
week) where the bad is truly outweighing the good, I push the bad to the side
for a few minutes and remind myself that the good stuff is there, and when the
bad passes the good will be there waiting. A lot of the time though, I find
some good in the bad. It just sometimes
takes a bit of searching. In the end, I now have a sense of peace because I’ve chosen appreciation. Appreciation and gratitude have brought me stability and focus. People talk about feeling grounded, and I feel like I have been cemented because I have switched my focus from what could be to what is. I will still strive to reach my goals and plan for the future, but I will also appreciate what is right in front of me. For my girls, I hope they too appreciate the love they have in their lives. My team may not be fancy, but I am so thankful to be part of it.
Beth
